Alex Trebek
Hello? Yeah, hello. This is Thrasher here at, uh, United Parcel Service. Yeah? And, ah... need a signature and a COD here today on, uh... on some freight here. What is it? Ah... Where is it from, do you know? We got, uh, some sod here. Sod? Yes. Are you sure you have the right address? Quite confident. Our driver is already en route to you. I just, ah... just as soon get the, uh... payment prepared now. Well, who ordered it? It's, uh, nineteen-hundred and forty-nine dollars even. Well, who ordered it? Uh, you're the recipient. Well, we're the recipient, but we didn't order it. Incorrect. You placed the initial order and now we're fulfilling it. Do you understand? When did we place the order? I'm the owner of the house here and I didn't place the order, so you tell me who placed the order. If it's our gardener - and he didn't tell us about it - I don't know and I don't know where we need sod. So, you tell me where this is coming from. I am looking at your digital signature... Digital signature? Here on my tablet. Yes, sir. Need an online payment or some method of payment here, four-forty-nine... Well, where did you get my digital signature? From you. When? At the time of purchase. And where was the purchase made? Siam. Siam? Correct. I... The country Siam? That's all the data I have, sir. Uh... Apparently this is the third attempt here. And this is sod? Yes, sir. Grass? Something to do with the lawn, yeah. It's a big, big bundle of stuff here. Well, I don't... you don't have my digital signature because I didn't give you my digital signature. I didn't order anything from Siam and Siam is no longer in existence. It's Thailand now, so I don't know what Siam is. Well, the whole thing is viewable online. The whole thing is viewable online. Your signature, the... the item itself... it's a real colorful bunch of stuff here. Yeah. And, uh, the payment details. So, if I can go ahead and take a credit card number here and we'll just get everything, uh... No, you're not going to take a credit card number at all because, uh... tell me where I can view this online. UPS dot com. UPS dot com and then we, uh, go to what? You need to just enter your credit card number as soon as possible. Uh, I ain't gonna do that... 'cause, uh, we didn't order anything. So... You're not gonna do it on forty-two hundred pounds of stuff, here? Forty-two hundred pounds of stuff? Are you out of your mind? That is roughly the weight of this stuff here. Well, we didn't order it. We got four trucks en route to you. Sigh Well... too bad 'cause... they ain't delivering it here. Oh no? Nope. Laughs You're not UPS, so... Scoffs Most certainly am, twelve years on the job I've been here. Oh yeah? What's your name? I'm on the dock right here. I'm Wallace. Wallace what? Thrasher. Wallace Thrasher... okay. What's the number out there? Who's the supervisor? I'm the only one on the dock, sir. You're the only one? The only one on the dock here tonight, yes, sir. Oh yeah? Why are we delivering this at night? Like I say, this is... third or fourth try here to get this to you. Really? Yeah. Well, this is the first time we've heard of it. So... Is that a fact? We have a normal... a usual driver who comes here and, uh... he never mentioned anything about it. We don't have... where's Mom? Get Mom. I'm gonna get my wife here and find out if you've, uh... Well why don't you come down to the dock? Huh? Just cut a check or however you do it. Where is the dock? I'm in Calabasas right now. Calabasas? So, you want me to come out to Calabasas to view something that I didn't order and that I probably don't want? Twelve years of working here, I've seen lots and lots of digital signatures come and go. Really? Lots of them. Yeah, well, I don't buy things with digital signatures. So... do we have... there's forty-two hundred pounds of sod or something on... or that's about to be delivered with four trucks from UPS. Did we order that? No. Sir, I have been told by my, uh, colleague here... we can accept cash and coins to get this thing resolved here for you. I think this is just a crock of shit, so... you're not UPS. Absolutely am here. Yeah, well, I'll ask my driver tomorrow to track down a Wallace Thrasher. You can call me Stretchy. You're just not gonna give up, are you... Stretchy. I just deal with fulfillment, product fulfillment here at United Parcel Service, so... we've got... a total of three flags on your account here, so... I just would like to get a routing number and we'll satisfy the debt. I don't have a routing number. How am I going to have a routing number? What the hell is a routing number? From your checking account or debit card or... Are you out of your mind? I'm going to pay two thousand dollars for something that I do not have, did not order, and know nothing about? The sender's name is Artie Yamamoto. Send me something in the mail, Stretch. I'll send you a subpoena is what I'll send you. Oh, that's good. I'll respond to a subpoena. You'll be commanded to testify before Artie Yamamoto. Oh, good. Boy, that scares me. Artie Yamamoto? Who is he? He's at the... Bangkok Sod Center. Bangkok Sod Center... and that's in Bangkok, Thailand? Yes, sir. Oh, good. Yup, I'm likely to order sod from... laughs Thailand. You're outta your mind, Stretchy. Well, let's hop on a plane and we'll go, uh, meet with him in person, have a three-way conference. Are you out of your mind? No. laughs I resent the implication, frankly. Well, good. Um, resent it all you want. Send me a letter. Send me a subpoena. I'll be happy to receive it. We'll do a conference call. No, I don't need a conference call, Stretchy. You can call me Stretchy. I mean... I just did. I've got signed affidavits and... Affidavits? All kinds of other things, yes, sir. Well, good. Well, you have my signature? I'm looking right at it. Yeah? And what does it say? It's not legible. It's not legible? So, that would be step one is to work on that, but... I have no need for two thousand dollars' worth of sod and I didn't order it and I know nothing about it. So, you thought you'd just stick good old UPS with the charges, huh? Nope. Are you out of your mind? Nobody orders sod from Asia. Send me something in the mail and, uh... we'll get to the bottom of this, but we're not paying for something we didn't order. Oh, you and I will get to the bottom of it all right if I need to come down and drive the truck myself. Oh, well go ahead. Be prepared to be met by police. Be prepared about...